Healing and Remission

God oh my God. It's clear. The results came back and it's clear. I can barely get the words out right now because my hands are still shaking I'm clear. I'm okay. I'm going to be okay. You did this. You actually did this.

Do You know what these past months have been like? The waiting rooms with the terrible magazines and the fluorescent lights sitting there trying to look calm while my whole world was falling apart inside. The scans, God lying still in that machine, hearing it hum, knowing it was looking for something that could end everything. And the nights those 3 AM prayers where I was face down on the floor, bargaining, begging, crying until there was nothing left.

I didn't tell everyone how scared I was. I put on the brave face. I said the right things "I'm trusting God, I'm standing in faith." And I meant it, I really did. But underneath that faith there was a terror I couldn't name. The kind that sits in your stomach and never fully leaves. The kind that makes food taste like nothing and sleep feel impossible.

And then the phone rang. And the voice on the other end said the words I'd been begging to hear clear. Clean margins. No evidence of disease. I dropped to my knees right there in the kitchen, God. I couldn't stand up. I couldn't do anything but cry and whisper thank You, thank You, thank You over and over until my voice gave out. You turned my mourning into dancing, just like You promised.

I'm not going to waste this, God. I need You to hear me say that. Whatever time I have now, however many years You're giving me on the other side of this I'm not going to sleepwalk through them. I'm not going to take a single morning for granted. Not one. Every sunrise is a receipt of Your mercy, and I'm going to treat it that way.

Thank You for the doctors. Thank You for the nurses who held my hand when I was too proud to ask anyone else. Thank You for the medicine, for the research, for the brilliant minds You gave the knowledge to develop treatments that saved my life. You work through people, God through science and skill and steady hands in operating rooms. That's not less miraculous. That's You moving through every detail.

And thank You for the miracles I can't explain. The peace that showed up when the panic should have won. The scan that came back better than anyone expected. The strength in my body that defied the timeline they gave me. You were writing a different story than the one on the chart, and I will never stop praising You for it.

I'm looking forward now, God. Forward. Do You know how long it's been since I could do that? I get to make plans again. I get to think about next year, about five years from now about watching the people I love grow and change. I almost didn't get this. I almost missed all of it. But You said not yet not this way I still have things for you. So here I am, God. Crying happy tears. Breathing deep. Fully, completely, ridiculously alive. Thank You. Thank You forever.